Ok, this is like my fourth post today. I'm not sure if I should be high-fiving myself, or apologizing to my reader, that anonymous poster who said "Hey, your blog is hard to read."
There's a little danger in the web. Namely, if I wanted to suck all sorts of hours out of my life writing code (more specifically thumbing through my HTML for Dummies book), all I have to do is go out on the Internet and start looking for ways to change it.
It really began the day someone showed me I could put my friends' links on my Blog. I found the Template, found the code there, and a little lightbulb went on, dim at first, but today I saw all 100 watts: I can really MESS WITH THIS.
So, this will be under construction for a while...I'm going to mess with colors, pictures and all sorts of fonts til you don't know what you're going to see each day.
My inner geek just said YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Saturday, January 28, 2006
James Frey -- The Ex Junkie Cashes In
Ya know, I haven't figured out why Oprah has her knickers in a twist over James Frey, and his "lies" in the memoir he wrote after going to rehab for God-Knows-What Drugs He Did.
I've worked with addicts at a company that does classes, counseling and drug testing for people who have been convicted of various drug charges and DUI.
Um, I figured out, that ADDICTS LIE.
And what they don't actually admit to lying about, may be a lie too.
And some of it they just can't remember.
Frankly, that poor guy, James Frey (and I only call him a poor guy, because I think he's stuck in a firestorm of media controversy that has about as much meaning and truth in it as George Bush's next "State of the Union" address). I think James Frey just wrote a book, figured it would sound better if it said "memoir" and went with it.
I mean, hasn't someone like Liz Taylor written a memoir about her seven or eight marriages and just said "they didn't work out?"
People who write "memoirs" aren't held to the same truth as a reporter following James Frey around and gathering the facts. It's a memoir -- as in MEMORY -- and that can be cloudy at best.
Sure, it would have been nice to know the guy was honest enough to tell the truth without embellishment, but who among us hasn't exaggerated a story here or there?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Oprah, please move on, and hope this Frey guy doesn't turn back to drugs again after all this brouhaha that means absolutely nothing.
I've worked with addicts at a company that does classes, counseling and drug testing for people who have been convicted of various drug charges and DUI.
Um, I figured out, that ADDICTS LIE.
And what they don't actually admit to lying about, may be a lie too.
And some of it they just can't remember.
Frankly, that poor guy, James Frey (and I only call him a poor guy, because I think he's stuck in a firestorm of media controversy that has about as much meaning and truth in it as George Bush's next "State of the Union" address). I think James Frey just wrote a book, figured it would sound better if it said "memoir" and went with it.
I mean, hasn't someone like Liz Taylor written a memoir about her seven or eight marriages and just said "they didn't work out?"
People who write "memoirs" aren't held to the same truth as a reporter following James Frey around and gathering the facts. It's a memoir -- as in MEMORY -- and that can be cloudy at best.
Sure, it would have been nice to know the guy was honest enough to tell the truth without embellishment, but who among us hasn't exaggerated a story here or there?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Oprah, please move on, and hope this Frey guy doesn't turn back to drugs again after all this brouhaha that means absolutely nothing.
Some Days You Work, Work, Work,
Some days you do all this work, and feel like you've done nothing really.
Thank God my husband decided to take over the housework today. He swept, vacuumed, did a few loads of laundry, and even cleaned the fish tank AND the bathroom.
Meanwhile, I started to deal with a couple of major organizational problems we've had. Well, three.
When we meet with the director of Lutheran Family Services on Thursday, I wanted the house to at least look organized and clean, if not arranged exactly how it will be when a kid comes to live with us.
So first came the back bedroom. It's become something of a storage area since we don't have kids, and we use the front two bedrooms more because they've got better closet space and sewing room.
But I finally got back there today and discovered it wasn't as bad as I thought. It needs some dusting and arranging, but I took a few things out that we don't use, tucked a few things in the filing cabinet, and overall it looks good. Just getting rid of a few boxes, a step stool I don't use, and putting a few things away didn't take that long, but it looks so much better!
The other huge tasks I took on were organizing pictures & paperwork.
The pictures part was a pain in the patootie (thanks, I love alliterations too).
I first had to delete some pictures that I don't want to keep, then I had to burn a bunch of CDs, then I had to go through the burned CDs from months ago that had stacked up as I went through the fun of trying to learn HOW to burn a CD. More than half had files I couldn't open or weren't complete, so they got tossed.
THEN I had to organize my CDs in some sort of order. They've been so badly organized that I wasn't sure if I had everything or nothing of certain trips.
After a drive to Office Depot to buy some more CD sleeves and a new box to put them in, I labeled all of them, put them in nice piles by year, and discovered that I must have bought my digital camera in 2002.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Much better.
And then came the fun part of cleaning out my paperwork. I got this fabulous desk of my Grandpa's and it's quickly become an "out of sight out of mind" place to put paid bills and misc. mail I don't know what to do with. Just filing the bills, organizing the piles, and putting them away just feels so much better.
Some days I feel I haven't done anything...then I sit here and write it down and it feels like a lot.
Why don't I do this more often?
I have a friend who stays constantly organized. She says she just never puts something down where it doesn't belong. I don't even know what to think about that. Is it humanly possible?
Not for me.
Thank God my husband decided to take over the housework today. He swept, vacuumed, did a few loads of laundry, and even cleaned the fish tank AND the bathroom.
Meanwhile, I started to deal with a couple of major organizational problems we've had. Well, three.
When we meet with the director of Lutheran Family Services on Thursday, I wanted the house to at least look organized and clean, if not arranged exactly how it will be when a kid comes to live with us.
So first came the back bedroom. It's become something of a storage area since we don't have kids, and we use the front two bedrooms more because they've got better closet space and sewing room.
But I finally got back there today and discovered it wasn't as bad as I thought. It needs some dusting and arranging, but I took a few things out that we don't use, tucked a few things in the filing cabinet, and overall it looks good. Just getting rid of a few boxes, a step stool I don't use, and putting a few things away didn't take that long, but it looks so much better!
The other huge tasks I took on were organizing pictures & paperwork.
The pictures part was a pain in the patootie (thanks, I love alliterations too).
I first had to delete some pictures that I don't want to keep, then I had to burn a bunch of CDs, then I had to go through the burned CDs from months ago that had stacked up as I went through the fun of trying to learn HOW to burn a CD. More than half had files I couldn't open or weren't complete, so they got tossed.
THEN I had to organize my CDs in some sort of order. They've been so badly organized that I wasn't sure if I had everything or nothing of certain trips.
After a drive to Office Depot to buy some more CD sleeves and a new box to put them in, I labeled all of them, put them in nice piles by year, and discovered that I must have bought my digital camera in 2002.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Much better.
And then came the fun part of cleaning out my paperwork. I got this fabulous desk of my Grandpa's and it's quickly become an "out of sight out of mind" place to put paid bills and misc. mail I don't know what to do with. Just filing the bills, organizing the piles, and putting them away just feels so much better.
Some days I feel I haven't done anything...then I sit here and write it down and it feels like a lot.
Why don't I do this more often?
I have a friend who stays constantly organized. She says she just never puts something down where it doesn't belong. I don't even know what to think about that. Is it humanly possible?
Not for me.
There's This Couple I Know
Brian and I went to dinner at some friends' house last night. This couple is someone my husband has known for years, and I only met upon arrival in Colorado.
Brian had lost touch with Doug -- who always managed to find Brian again, usually by seeing Brian's "Clean Machine" (his van, which was anything but "clean").
One time, after having lost contact for a few years, Doug stopped by the house one night in the pouring rain, and that's when we found out they are practically neighbors of ours -- just living about a dozen blocks away.
We got together several months ago for Sunday brunch at our house, and I got to meet his wife Susan. Susan and I hit it off so well, it was one of those times when I came away from having company positively energized.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, we kept missing each other to get together again, and we both had trips to Europe in the past year.
Last night, Brian and I went to their house for dinner, and it was another one of those amazing conversations. We talked a lot about our trips and shared experiences, and they enjoyed looking at a few of our pictures from our trip that we brought.
Like us, they've been dealing with some infertility issues, and have recently gone through some treatments for it. As we sat around the dinner table laughing and hooting over everything from sperm counts to the death of a regular sex life while trying to conceive, I just said "you know, it's a short list of friends of ours who can sit and talk and laugh about this kind of thing!"
They all laughed in agreement.
They are a fabulous couple, and again we came away from our evening together just happy to have had the time with them. After everything they've been through, including losing a daughter at almost full-term, they had become much more secluded, and they said this was really their first time to do something social in a long time.
It was so neat that they chose to spend that time with us. I know how hard it is to go out and feel normal again after a loss.
We are so blessed to have friends like them.
Brian had lost touch with Doug -- who always managed to find Brian again, usually by seeing Brian's "Clean Machine" (his van, which was anything but "clean").
One time, after having lost contact for a few years, Doug stopped by the house one night in the pouring rain, and that's when we found out they are practically neighbors of ours -- just living about a dozen blocks away.
We got together several months ago for Sunday brunch at our house, and I got to meet his wife Susan. Susan and I hit it off so well, it was one of those times when I came away from having company positively energized.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, we kept missing each other to get together again, and we both had trips to Europe in the past year.
Last night, Brian and I went to their house for dinner, and it was another one of those amazing conversations. We talked a lot about our trips and shared experiences, and they enjoyed looking at a few of our pictures from our trip that we brought.
Like us, they've been dealing with some infertility issues, and have recently gone through some treatments for it. As we sat around the dinner table laughing and hooting over everything from sperm counts to the death of a regular sex life while trying to conceive, I just said "you know, it's a short list of friends of ours who can sit and talk and laugh about this kind of thing!"
They all laughed in agreement.
They are a fabulous couple, and again we came away from our evening together just happy to have had the time with them. After everything they've been through, including losing a daughter at almost full-term, they had become much more secluded, and they said this was really their first time to do something social in a long time.
It was so neat that they chose to spend that time with us. I know how hard it is to go out and feel normal again after a loss.
We are so blessed to have friends like them.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Change, Change and More Change
My cat Jack was laying around tonight on my husband, who was reclined on the couch with the remote control in his lap. Jack tried to lay his head down on the remote control, and I tried to move it and he stopped me, with his paw, as if HE has control of the remote in this family.
Ya know, sometimes I think we have enough control freaks -- we don't need the 10 lb. cat to be one too.
Brian's job will be ending soon. It's getting more difficult to do business as his boss has stopped paying the bills. It's getting uglier every day. I'm actually going to be relieved for him (and so is he) when it's finally over.
Meanwhile, we just refinanced the house (this is actually a good thing given Brian's job status is where it is, since we'll have all debt paid off and a lower house payment).
We also called Lutheran Family Services about starting the process to do foster-adopt.
The constant prospect of change of jobs, family status, financial dealings...it doesn't seem like much really, since a lot of good will also come out of it, but it's hard for me to endure big changes, particularly when they come all at once.
The beauty of getting older though, at least for me, is that I have a lot more patience with these things. I realize that I can't control it all, and that I don't even want to anymore. I remember looking at my grandmothers and how easy going they were late in life, and now I see the path on which I'm headed.
I still fight my own self on some things when it comes to patience. Patience is not a natural phenomenon in me, but a learned, practiced and gone-through-trial-by-fire acquisition of the most difficult kind.
I've always in my young adult life, gone through life at "Mach 3 with my hair on fire" -- in a good way -- driven by the most part, and very impatient with so-so results.
But now I find myself thinking that those results come whether you pace up and down the floor or not.
Here's to learning how not burning a hole in the carpet.
Ya know, sometimes I think we have enough control freaks -- we don't need the 10 lb. cat to be one too.
Brian's job will be ending soon. It's getting more difficult to do business as his boss has stopped paying the bills. It's getting uglier every day. I'm actually going to be relieved for him (and so is he) when it's finally over.
Meanwhile, we just refinanced the house (this is actually a good thing given Brian's job status is where it is, since we'll have all debt paid off and a lower house payment).
We also called Lutheran Family Services about starting the process to do foster-adopt.
The constant prospect of change of jobs, family status, financial dealings...it doesn't seem like much really, since a lot of good will also come out of it, but it's hard for me to endure big changes, particularly when they come all at once.
The beauty of getting older though, at least for me, is that I have a lot more patience with these things. I realize that I can't control it all, and that I don't even want to anymore. I remember looking at my grandmothers and how easy going they were late in life, and now I see the path on which I'm headed.
I still fight my own self on some things when it comes to patience. Patience is not a natural phenomenon in me, but a learned, practiced and gone-through-trial-by-fire acquisition of the most difficult kind.
I've always in my young adult life, gone through life at "Mach 3 with my hair on fire" -- in a good way -- driven by the most part, and very impatient with so-so results.
But now I find myself thinking that those results come whether you pace up and down the floor or not.
Here's to learning how not burning a hole in the carpet.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Thanks, Seahawks
After my Broncos lost to the Steelers today, it was a sad day at my house. Then, the Hawks played Carolina at home, and it brightened considerably.
If I had to choose between Denver or Seattle going to the Super Bowl, I'd be torn, but I'd probably have to go with the Seahawks, who have never been there before, and have had such a stunning season.
Good job Seattle! Congratulations!
I'm probably going to be the only person at work who won't be moping around all day.
If I had to choose between Denver or Seattle going to the Super Bowl, I'd be torn, but I'd probably have to go with the Seahawks, who have never been there before, and have had such a stunning season.
Good job Seattle! Congratulations!
I'm probably going to be the only person at work who won't be moping around all day.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
So What Are YOU Doing Tonight?
My husband Brian has a Fantasy Football team owners' meeting tomorrow. His best friend has driven up from Pueblo (about 2 hours away), and he spends the night across town and parties with the boys the night before.
So, tonight I drove him over there so I could have the car and do some grocery shopping, etc. I also made arrangements with a friend to go watch the AFC and NFC Championship games.
I thought it was cute when Brian asked me what I was going to do tonight -- he had a tone to his voice that made it sound like I might be bored being by myself -- then he suggested I call a friend and invite her over.
No thanks.
I enjoy time alone in my house. I thought I'd sit down and blog tonight, get a glass of wine and maybe find a movie or something to watch later. I love spending time just surfing the web, gathering information about whatever I'm most recently curious about, and posting on the board I belong to with you, most of my readers.
I also have some more housework I could do, some sewing I need to work on...I'm never bored, that's for sure.
And I also have time to think about tomorrow's games...My Denver Broncos are playing the Steelers here at home, and my Seattle Seahawks (my adopted home town where I went to college and spent the first 15 years of my adulthood) are playing the Carolina Panthers. I could be in heaven or hell tomorrow -- if both my teams win, I'll be in heaven knowing that I will be happy with whomever wins the Super Bowl. If both my teams lose, I'm going to be losing my interest in football in a matter of minutes.
I even went and bought a Jake Plummer (QB for the Broncos) jersey today.
Ah, anticipation.
So, tonight I drove him over there so I could have the car and do some grocery shopping, etc. I also made arrangements with a friend to go watch the AFC and NFC Championship games.
I thought it was cute when Brian asked me what I was going to do tonight -- he had a tone to his voice that made it sound like I might be bored being by myself -- then he suggested I call a friend and invite her over.
No thanks.
I enjoy time alone in my house. I thought I'd sit down and blog tonight, get a glass of wine and maybe find a movie or something to watch later. I love spending time just surfing the web, gathering information about whatever I'm most recently curious about, and posting on the board I belong to with you, most of my readers.
I also have some more housework I could do, some sewing I need to work on...I'm never bored, that's for sure.
And I also have time to think about tomorrow's games...My Denver Broncos are playing the Steelers here at home, and my Seattle Seahawks (my adopted home town where I went to college and spent the first 15 years of my adulthood) are playing the Carolina Panthers. I could be in heaven or hell tomorrow -- if both my teams win, I'll be in heaven knowing that I will be happy with whomever wins the Super Bowl. If both my teams lose, I'm going to be losing my interest in football in a matter of minutes.
I even went and bought a Jake Plummer (QB for the Broncos) jersey today.
Ah, anticipation.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Adoption on My Mind
I requested a video called "Finding Forever Families" from the Dave Thomas Foundation (Dave Thomas was the owner/founder of the Wendy's hamburger chain, who was an adoptee, & started the foundation to promote adoption, particularly Foster-Adopt). I also got a small packet from Lutheran Family Services about infant adoption.
The video hit me the most. I tried to watch it on my DVD player on the computer so I could preview it before Brian saw it. Then, he's watching TV and says "WHATCHA DOIN?" so I told him, and we sat down and watched it together. It's aimed more at Social Workers to help them find ways to match foster kids with parents, so it wasn't a big pressure pitch to parents to adopt. But it was cool to see a bunch of kids and adults who were adopted and/or out of the system to see how they felt and thought about adoption. Not all of it was "rainbows and butterflies", but it was very moving.
The other packet was just the basic info for adoption for Lutheran Family Services, the agency we'll probably go through since they're so close by and very good in our community -- and they do both adoption and foster care services.
The thing the blew me away was how open I feel about adopting an older child -- even a MUCH older child than I was thinking of before.
Before, I was thinking "I don't NEED a baby...it'd be nice for all the reasons most people think of -- not having to deal with the same attachment problems & stuff that come with an older child and their baggage from neglect abandonment or abuse, etc.
But I started seeing these kids that are 10 and 12 years old who are still looking for real parents to be there for them, and I keep thinking "I could do THAT."
So, we'll see what Brian and I are up for and go from there. But for now, I just feel like I don't care what age or color the kid is...it just would feel so GOOD to give a kid a home who wants one with us, and their age, etc. shouldn't matter that much.
Tonight I feel like I have at all major turning points in my life...like I'm taking a leap of faith that's both scary and exhilarating at the same time.
Much to think about.
The video hit me the most. I tried to watch it on my DVD player on the computer so I could preview it before Brian saw it. Then, he's watching TV and says "WHATCHA DOIN?" so I told him, and we sat down and watched it together. It's aimed more at Social Workers to help them find ways to match foster kids with parents, so it wasn't a big pressure pitch to parents to adopt. But it was cool to see a bunch of kids and adults who were adopted and/or out of the system to see how they felt and thought about adoption. Not all of it was "rainbows and butterflies", but it was very moving.
The other packet was just the basic info for adoption for Lutheran Family Services, the agency we'll probably go through since they're so close by and very good in our community -- and they do both adoption and foster care services.
The thing the blew me away was how open I feel about adopting an older child -- even a MUCH older child than I was thinking of before.
Before, I was thinking "I don't NEED a baby...it'd be nice for all the reasons most people think of -- not having to deal with the same attachment problems & stuff that come with an older child and their baggage from neglect abandonment or abuse, etc.
But I started seeing these kids that are 10 and 12 years old who are still looking for real parents to be there for them, and I keep thinking "I could do THAT."
So, we'll see what Brian and I are up for and go from there. But for now, I just feel like I don't care what age or color the kid is...it just would feel so GOOD to give a kid a home who wants one with us, and their age, etc. shouldn't matter that much.
Tonight I feel like I have at all major turning points in my life...like I'm taking a leap of faith that's both scary and exhilarating at the same time.
Much to think about.
Monday, January 16, 2006
I Am NOT Safer...
I have felt for some time, as one little thing happens after another...that the very definition of FREEDOM in this country is at stake.
Then, Al Gore stood up today and said the President was willfully breaking the law in his pervasive wiretaps of Americans.
It was a surprise to me -- I thought "HEY! There he is! I haven't seen Al Gore in AGES!"
Then, more seriously, I thought a lot about what is being claimed. We have, as part of our Bill of Rights, an Amendment to the Constitution that is supposed to protect me against "unreasonable search and seizure".
Does that mean that anyone with a voice in the wilderness that speaks against the current government's actions should be investigated as "reasonable search" because I might be part of some greater conspiracy to bring down the government or do harm to the American People?
I don't think so.
I was talking to my nephew the other night, and he asked his Mom "Why The Iraqi War is important?" She thought "Well, this is a fun question, let's make Aunt Jules answer it."
So I got on the phone with him and explained that while I didn't think that we should have gone there in the first place -- now that we're there our job is important to bring freedom to a country that didn't have it before.
I explained what freedoms are -- Freedom to Assemble (I can go downtown with a giant sign with 1000 of my friends and say that I don't approve of the war). Freedom of Religion (freedom to go to church, synagogue, mosque, or NO church at all). Freedom of Speech (I should be able to say "I DON'T LIKE THE PRESIDENT'S POLICIES" without someone coming to my house, taking me out of it to jail or to shoot me).
Then I explained how people in that country could never vote for even a dog-catcher before, and now they were trying to vote for a government to make decisions about the stuff governments do -- healthcare, schools, budgets, all the exciting stuff 10-year-olds like my nephew think about.
I've been to Europe a couple of times recently. I understand other countries have more pervasive surveillance than we do. But we're not them. We're supposed to be free in a sense that even the French and British can't and don't emulate.
There is a price for giving up that freedom, and I know that more than anything, one of the reasons I stay here -- one of the reasons I sleep at night -- is knowing that the government has no right to knock down my door, listen to my phone conversations, or scan my e-mails, just because I might be a dissenting opinion.
I do not think for a moment that I am safer as a result of the President's disregard for the 6th Amendment. A judge could easily approve the legitimate wiretaps that need to be made, and the rest of us should be free to discuss what we want to, when we want to, on what media we choose.
I hope that Al Gore's statement is seen as the public service that it is.
Let the investigation begin.
Then, Al Gore stood up today and said the President was willfully breaking the law in his pervasive wiretaps of Americans.
It was a surprise to me -- I thought "HEY! There he is! I haven't seen Al Gore in AGES!"
Then, more seriously, I thought a lot about what is being claimed. We have, as part of our Bill of Rights, an Amendment to the Constitution that is supposed to protect me against "unreasonable search and seizure".
Does that mean that anyone with a voice in the wilderness that speaks against the current government's actions should be investigated as "reasonable search" because I might be part of some greater conspiracy to bring down the government or do harm to the American People?
I don't think so.
I was talking to my nephew the other night, and he asked his Mom "Why The Iraqi War is important?" She thought "Well, this is a fun question, let's make Aunt Jules answer it."
So I got on the phone with him and explained that while I didn't think that we should have gone there in the first place -- now that we're there our job is important to bring freedom to a country that didn't have it before.
I explained what freedoms are -- Freedom to Assemble (I can go downtown with a giant sign with 1000 of my friends and say that I don't approve of the war). Freedom of Religion (freedom to go to church, synagogue, mosque, or NO church at all). Freedom of Speech (I should be able to say "I DON'T LIKE THE PRESIDENT'S POLICIES" without someone coming to my house, taking me out of it to jail or to shoot me).
Then I explained how people in that country could never vote for even a dog-catcher before, and now they were trying to vote for a government to make decisions about the stuff governments do -- healthcare, schools, budgets, all the exciting stuff 10-year-olds like my nephew think about.
I've been to Europe a couple of times recently. I understand other countries have more pervasive surveillance than we do. But we're not them. We're supposed to be free in a sense that even the French and British can't and don't emulate.
There is a price for giving up that freedom, and I know that more than anything, one of the reasons I stay here -- one of the reasons I sleep at night -- is knowing that the government has no right to knock down my door, listen to my phone conversations, or scan my e-mails, just because I might be a dissenting opinion.
I do not think for a moment that I am safer as a result of the President's disregard for the 6th Amendment. A judge could easily approve the legitimate wiretaps that need to be made, and the rest of us should be free to discuss what we want to, when we want to, on what media we choose.
I hope that Al Gore's statement is seen as the public service that it is.
Let the investigation begin.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Photo Fun
I spent a lot of time playing around with a photo of me today. I took one on the digital camera, then played with it on my Microsoft Picture It! program.
It still amazes me that just 10 years ago, heck, even 5 years ago, if I had taken a picture of myself, I would have had to wait until the roll was done, and take it to a store, where it would take a few days to come back.
Then, I would get the pictures back, and maybe 5 or 6 of the 24 pictures I took would be worth keeping.
It does amaze me how quickly technology moves. When I bought my first digital camera, it would have been about 2002, when I got a 2.0 megapixel Sony. Within a year, as we prepared to go to Europe, I HAD to have a 3.2 megapixel camera, since the 4.0 and 5.0 were more than I wanted to spend.
Today, I could buy a 5.0 megapixel camera for less than what I bought the 2.0 for years ago.
I love being able to play with images. I just played with my headshot so I could get a fun, but not very recognizable one for my new MSN account. By the time I was done I was feeling like quite the artiste.
Love it!
Saturday, January 14, 2006
GO BRONCOS!
Yes, Broncos Broncos Broncos.
Let me tell you a story. I was a young girl of about 16 when I first came to Denver to visit. My best friend from the 4th & 5th grades moved back out here with her parents to Brighton, and I flew out one summer to spend a week with her and her family. One of the last days I was here, her Dad drove us to Denver, and to Mile High Stadium we went.
It was 1983, and the rookie John Elway was signed to play for the Broncos -- and the town was so excited about the promise of the young Stanford alum.
I had never seen another NFL game, but I knew that the 22 or 23-year-old John Elway, in the eyes of a 16-year old, was quite the stud. So, I became a Bronco fan without really needing much encouragement.
I didn't live in Denver in 1997 and 1998, when they last won a Super Bowl. But due to my early exposure to Denver Bronco fanatacism, I was a huge fan of theirs already.
Tonight, here I am in my adopted Mile High City enjoying a simple playoff game.
We beat the 2-time champion New England Patriots tonight, in a nail-biting, Corona-drinking fest that has left me with a headache before I even go to bed.
But I'll suffer through any hangover, and the bare knuckles it took to consistently knock on wood (I'm very superstitious, so once something apparently silly appears to work, I keep doing it, like "knocking on wood" each time we're at the line of scrimmage, and talking directly at Tom Brady, who seemed to be able to hear me).
Call me OCD if you like.
But it worked.
Like a charm.
Days like this make me love football.
Nobody's Business, Unless I Say So.
There is something that happens with people when they have children, particularly after they've had miscarriages and they know you have had miscarriages too. They seem to feel they have a license to ask you nosey questions about what you're doing, and what tests you've had, and what you're going to do "when or if" we decide to try again.
Even after I say "we're done trying", this particular person I'm ranting about thinks that somehow relating the fact that SHE had 3 losses too before popping out X number of kids in a row, that somehow I can or should do it too.
This person is not anyone from the support boards I belong to (so don't worry, my friends, you DO have more license to ask since we've all walked through hell together), but this person is an old friend of my husband's, who I've met all of a handful of times in my life. Upon some medical training, she decided to call me up this morning and pump me for information about what we're doing, all under the assumption that I need her help & support.
Now, I know it's well-intentioned...but this isn't about her intentions. It's about how it makes me feel. This is my blog, my vent, and here it is.
It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that I am not likely to pop out any biological children. I have worked on a lot of my feelings to arrive at peace with it, and have reflected on this for a very long time to come to the conclusion that I will NOT walk through fire (or any other miscarriages) to arrive at parenthood. Why is it that people whose experiences are different from mine can't accept that I am not on the same path as them? What is it about "It worked for me" that makes them think "It'll work for you"?
We do not all live parallel lives, and just because you've had an equal number of miscarriages with the same lack of medical explanation, does not make a magic bullet for it to work for me. We are biologically, emotionally and otherwise very different from each other, so twins we are not.
This gal is not the first, but by far is the most intrusive, primarily because I barely know her, but she seems to feel that her longstanding friendship from college with my DH somehow gives her license to call me up and ask.
I guess it's just one of those days where I wish people would mind their own damn business and not make my fertility part of theirs, particularly when they haven't been through these losses with me, or know me well enough to know that I'm not some victim of the medical establishment, but someone who has armed herself with all the knowledge I could and testing that one person can expect to withstand.
What probably upset me the most, was that I said "We're done, we're moving on, and looking into adoption," to which she started telling me about how THEY started looking into adoption too before they got their first pregnancy to stick, and how upset she was over the way the adoption agency gave lists of how much it cost to adopt kids of different racial backgrounds, etc. etc.
I don't need to hear how adoption was so upsetting and scary. If that's your experience, fine. I ALREADY KNOW it's a scary proposition, and that difficult decisions must be made. CONGRATULATE me that I've even gotten this far, or just put a sock in it.
OK, I'm done. Next time I'll just say "would you like to talk to DH?" so at least it's not me answering any questions.
Some people.
Even after I say "we're done trying", this particular person I'm ranting about thinks that somehow relating the fact that SHE had 3 losses too before popping out X number of kids in a row, that somehow I can or should do it too.
This person is not anyone from the support boards I belong to (so don't worry, my friends, you DO have more license to ask since we've all walked through hell together), but this person is an old friend of my husband's, who I've met all of a handful of times in my life. Upon some medical training, she decided to call me up this morning and pump me for information about what we're doing, all under the assumption that I need her help & support.
Now, I know it's well-intentioned...but this isn't about her intentions. It's about how it makes me feel. This is my blog, my vent, and here it is.
It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that I am not likely to pop out any biological children. I have worked on a lot of my feelings to arrive at peace with it, and have reflected on this for a very long time to come to the conclusion that I will NOT walk through fire (or any other miscarriages) to arrive at parenthood. Why is it that people whose experiences are different from mine can't accept that I am not on the same path as them? What is it about "It worked for me" that makes them think "It'll work for you"?
We do not all live parallel lives, and just because you've had an equal number of miscarriages with the same lack of medical explanation, does not make a magic bullet for it to work for me. We are biologically, emotionally and otherwise very different from each other, so twins we are not.
This gal is not the first, but by far is the most intrusive, primarily because I barely know her, but she seems to feel that her longstanding friendship from college with my DH somehow gives her license to call me up and ask.
I guess it's just one of those days where I wish people would mind their own damn business and not make my fertility part of theirs, particularly when they haven't been through these losses with me, or know me well enough to know that I'm not some victim of the medical establishment, but someone who has armed herself with all the knowledge I could and testing that one person can expect to withstand.
What probably upset me the most, was that I said "We're done, we're moving on, and looking into adoption," to which she started telling me about how THEY started looking into adoption too before they got their first pregnancy to stick, and how upset she was over the way the adoption agency gave lists of how much it cost to adopt kids of different racial backgrounds, etc. etc.
I don't need to hear how adoption was so upsetting and scary. If that's your experience, fine. I ALREADY KNOW it's a scary proposition, and that difficult decisions must be made. CONGRATULATE me that I've even gotten this far, or just put a sock in it.
OK, I'm done. Next time I'll just say "would you like to talk to DH?" so at least it's not me answering any questions.
Some people.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
DSL or Adoption?
I'm not sure which is the bigger news tonight. The fact that I got DSL hooked up in my house, or that my husband finally, finally, made a commitment to adopting a child.
Now, you may ask: "Is she insane? Of course adoption is a bigger deal."
However, the adoption will take place if and only if all paperwork gets done and hoops get jumped through. So, it still feels, well, theoretical.
We agreed tonight -- upon deciding to re-finance the house -- to take a little extra money to start an adoption fund. That was a big decision, and one that I'm sure I'll understand the gravity of in the future. One might even call it a miracle.
This theoretical miracle was only competed with by a more immediate one. After seeing a Qwest representative at my doorstep on Monday, I thought I was set to go (Why is it that the Qwest techies always really nice dopey guys who want to chat, whose only credential is a scratched-up ID tag, but who other wise look like they might try a home invasion robbery?). But alas, the DSL line hookup didn't work, so I called the 800 number...then got blown off yesterday when they said they'd be at my house between 1 & 5 p.m. (WHO KEEPS THOSE HOURS?) and then finally showed up today -- a day late, but fortunately, armed with the ability to fix the problem at no charge to me.
Upon hookup, (I had a solid green light on the DSL modem) I couldn't get into the system, and that's when miracle #2 involving Qwest occurred: I called the 800 number again, and got someone who COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME! I talked to "Dan" for almost 30 minutes while he walked me through the various IP addresses, codes and passwords, to finally download MSN to my computer and be able to freely access the internet.
Now, I have the ability to download an episode of Desperate Housewives off of iTunes while talking on the phone with my mother, sister, or anyone else who calls me. That, to me, is something of a miracle in and of itself.
So, big developments at the house tonight.
Good ones, all.
Now, you may ask: "Is she insane? Of course adoption is a bigger deal."
However, the adoption will take place if and only if all paperwork gets done and hoops get jumped through. So, it still feels, well, theoretical.
We agreed tonight -- upon deciding to re-finance the house -- to take a little extra money to start an adoption fund. That was a big decision, and one that I'm sure I'll understand the gravity of in the future. One might even call it a miracle.
This theoretical miracle was only competed with by a more immediate one. After seeing a Qwest representative at my doorstep on Monday, I thought I was set to go (Why is it that the Qwest techies always really nice dopey guys who want to chat, whose only credential is a scratched-up ID tag, but who other wise look like they might try a home invasion robbery?). But alas, the DSL line hookup didn't work, so I called the 800 number...then got blown off yesterday when they said they'd be at my house between 1 & 5 p.m. (WHO KEEPS THOSE HOURS?) and then finally showed up today -- a day late, but fortunately, armed with the ability to fix the problem at no charge to me.
Upon hookup, (I had a solid green light on the DSL modem) I couldn't get into the system, and that's when miracle #2 involving Qwest occurred: I called the 800 number again, and got someone who COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME! I talked to "Dan" for almost 30 minutes while he walked me through the various IP addresses, codes and passwords, to finally download MSN to my computer and be able to freely access the internet.
Now, I have the ability to download an episode of Desperate Housewives off of iTunes while talking on the phone with my mother, sister, or anyone else who calls me. That, to me, is something of a miracle in and of itself.
So, big developments at the house tonight.
Good ones, all.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
I talked to a friend for the first time...
I've known Tammy for a long time now -- at least a couple of years if not three.
One of my Sistas from the pregnancy loss board I belong to, Tammy lives in Canada and like me, has been through a lot.
She's one of a few gals from the board that I think is living a parallel life with mine, as we have learned so much about each other and our relationships, that we often get to laugh at how similar we are in temperament, personality and all sorts of other ways.
Tammy had surgery recently, and after not hearing from her to know she was ok, I called her house in Canada, and was pleasantly surprised to find out she had just gotten home the night before.
We talked for about 20 minutes, and I was amazed at how comfortable I was talking to her in person. I guess just thinking "I've never spoken to her in real life before", that it would be somehow odd to finally do so.
What a pleasure it was to hear her voice, and to know that she was ok. Her voice sounded strong and healthy -- even though I had nothing to compare it to. It felt like I was calling my sister -- or someone else I've known my whole life.
I love it when stuff like that happens.
You can visit Tammy's blog at: http://canonlyimagine.blogspot.com/
One of my Sistas from the pregnancy loss board I belong to, Tammy lives in Canada and like me, has been through a lot.
She's one of a few gals from the board that I think is living a parallel life with mine, as we have learned so much about each other and our relationships, that we often get to laugh at how similar we are in temperament, personality and all sorts of other ways.
Tammy had surgery recently, and after not hearing from her to know she was ok, I called her house in Canada, and was pleasantly surprised to find out she had just gotten home the night before.
We talked for about 20 minutes, and I was amazed at how comfortable I was talking to her in person. I guess just thinking "I've never spoken to her in real life before", that it would be somehow odd to finally do so.
What a pleasure it was to hear her voice, and to know that she was ok. Her voice sounded strong and healthy -- even though I had nothing to compare it to. It felt like I was calling my sister -- or someone else I've known my whole life.
I love it when stuff like that happens.
You can visit Tammy's blog at: http://canonlyimagine.blogspot.com/
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Just Call Me Jules, Bs.D.
OK, The belly-button contemplation is over.
For now.
I had something of an epiphany today.
A gal I know was complaining about something so trivial, so small, and so insignificant (I think that about covers it) and I wasn't in the mood to indulge this behavior, so I remained, for the most part, silent.
In a small rant to another friend, I said something along the lines of: "I have so many friends going through so much right now, and the anniversary of my last miscarriage is tomorrow, that listening to this person bitch is GRATING on me."
I had a favorite teacher in high school (and he was a favorite before he said this), who one day said "Peterson, you're a Bullshit Detector".
I took it as a huge compliment, since I figure people who can know bullshit when they hear/see/smell it are probably quite outstanding, if not just plain smart. I'm not sure if I qualify on both fronts, but nonetheless, I'm proud of this distinction.
Hypocritical as it may be sometimes (I know I complain about what life has dealt me when there are plenty of people out there that have lost much more), I also feel I have a certain amount of perspective. I am at least aware of the fact that my problems in life, for the most part, are relatively minor. No one I love has been killed by a serial killer, tsunami, or suicide bomber. So, on the whole, I don't think I really have a lot to bitch about.
In fact, I have small miracles that occur every day. My husband often walks to the bus stop to meet me with our dog, Lucy to walk me home. He cooked me dinner. I almost cried when I heard Shania Twains "From This Moment On" on my new iPod as I waited for the bus.
I know I am lucky. I have a job, a house, a fabulous spouse, and many other reasons to live life to the fullest.
I guess that's why I get a little pissed when I hear other people gripe, not just occasionally, mind you, but blindly criticizing every wrong that's been done to them, without thinking of other explanations other than it being a personal affront to them.
Sometimes I say something, sometimes I don't.
But my friend today joked about my "Bullshit Detector" comment and said "Your name is "Jules M., BSD" and I had to laugh.
So I'll go ahead and claim it. With no advanced degree to my name, I sound like I have one now.
Jules, Bs.D.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Why Can't I Be Like Bart Simpson?
Lately I haven't been sleeping well.
Last night, for example, I went to bed around 11:30 -- late for me -- and figured I'd sleep well through the night. Well, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and tossed and turned for almost 2 hours before being able to sleep again.
I know why...
I've had a lot on my mind lately. The anniversary of my last loss is coming up on Friday, my husband is probably going to lose his job by the end of the month if things keep going the way they are at his work, and the money woes that could come from that alone are enough to keep me awake at night.
I'm also bored. Bored is not good for me. I'm a woman of action -- any time you want something done, I'm your go-to person. I'm also a self-described control freak, so I like to do things in part because it's me doing it. Not having control over things like someone else's job status or the uncertainties of family planning is not easy for me, because there is nothing I can really do except wait on both fronts.
I have a quilt I should be working on right now, but I don't feel like it. This is almost more disturbing than the sleep problem. But then I realize that that, at least, is normal and something I've been through before, but I usually enjoy the creative outlet of sewing, and right now I just don't have it in me to do more than a little every few days. I've made about 6 or 7 quilts this year alone, and I know that sometimes I just need to take a break and sew when I'm ready.
The other stuff is out of my control, and I am not patient about waiting for things to happen "to" me.
I just find myself asking a lot of questions right now -- like "what the heck is next in terms of having a family?" and the deeper existential stuff like "Is this all there is to life?", or better yet and more to the point "What IS the DAMN PLAN?". Not to mention "Is there a God really -- and does He/She/It/They give a crap about me?" Because there are days when I just feel a complete disconnect there, and that bothers me too. Sometimes it just seems like it should be more complex and therefore more interesting than my day-to-day existence would imply.
I keep waiting for the lightbulb in my head to create some enlightenment so I can say "AHA!" and just have it figured out. Then I read some stupid quote like "It's not in the knowing, it's in the questions..." or something like that. Well, I do beg to differ. Either that or I'm a genius because I'm sure as heck asking a lot of questions.
Sometimes I remind myself of Lisa from The Simpsons, and an episode where she sits on a hilltop contemplating the big stuff in life, like the Zen riddle: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and Bart just barges in and says "Oh, that's easy," and proceeds to slap his fingers against the palm of his same hand, to make that gentle noise that comes from it. She's horrified, because of course it's not a deep or real answer, but it's real to Bart.
I feel like Lisa, but wish somedays I could just be Bart.
I had some fun googling (actually, I used YAHOO), the One Hand Clapping quote, and this was my favorite site on the subject: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_049
Last night, for example, I went to bed around 11:30 -- late for me -- and figured I'd sleep well through the night. Well, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and tossed and turned for almost 2 hours before being able to sleep again.
I know why...
I've had a lot on my mind lately. The anniversary of my last loss is coming up on Friday, my husband is probably going to lose his job by the end of the month if things keep going the way they are at his work, and the money woes that could come from that alone are enough to keep me awake at night.
I'm also bored. Bored is not good for me. I'm a woman of action -- any time you want something done, I'm your go-to person. I'm also a self-described control freak, so I like to do things in part because it's me doing it. Not having control over things like someone else's job status or the uncertainties of family planning is not easy for me, because there is nothing I can really do except wait on both fronts.
I have a quilt I should be working on right now, but I don't feel like it. This is almost more disturbing than the sleep problem. But then I realize that that, at least, is normal and something I've been through before, but I usually enjoy the creative outlet of sewing, and right now I just don't have it in me to do more than a little every few days. I've made about 6 or 7 quilts this year alone, and I know that sometimes I just need to take a break and sew when I'm ready.
The other stuff is out of my control, and I am not patient about waiting for things to happen "to" me.
I just find myself asking a lot of questions right now -- like "what the heck is next in terms of having a family?" and the deeper existential stuff like "Is this all there is to life?", or better yet and more to the point "What IS the DAMN PLAN?". Not to mention "Is there a God really -- and does He/She/It/They give a crap about me?" Because there are days when I just feel a complete disconnect there, and that bothers me too. Sometimes it just seems like it should be more complex and therefore more interesting than my day-to-day existence would imply.
I keep waiting for the lightbulb in my head to create some enlightenment so I can say "AHA!" and just have it figured out. Then I read some stupid quote like "It's not in the knowing, it's in the questions..." or something like that. Well, I do beg to differ. Either that or I'm a genius because I'm sure as heck asking a lot of questions.
Sometimes I remind myself of Lisa from The Simpsons, and an episode where she sits on a hilltop contemplating the big stuff in life, like the Zen riddle: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and Bart just barges in and says "Oh, that's easy," and proceeds to slap his fingers against the palm of his same hand, to make that gentle noise that comes from it. She's horrified, because of course it's not a deep or real answer, but it's real to Bart.
I feel like Lisa, but wish somedays I could just be Bart.
I had some fun googling (actually, I used YAHOO), the One Hand Clapping quote, and this was my favorite site on the subject: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_049
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Ruts, and the people who live in them
It's midnight, Jan. 1...almost time for Jan. 2 to roll over, a day of 2006 already gone.
I partied until 3 a.m. last night, had the foresight to take a couple of aspirin and drink some water to avoid the Pulsing Hangover, and only slept about 6 hours.
Today, I wish I could say I achieved much. But, alas, 3 loads of laundry, some breakfast, watching football and a 5-hour nap from 4 p.m. to about 9 tonight did nothing but throw off my sleep cycle. I started to clean out a closet of clothes I don't wear, but didn't finish the job. I did clean out some computer files of unwanted photos, but that's hardly an accomplishment, considering this computer is all of 6 months old.
I didn't work on the quilt, didn't walk the dog, and ate a very bad lunch of a rather gigantic cheeseburger and tater tots, in honor of my good friend, Napoleon Dynamite.
I'm amazed at what a rut I can get into. I always notice it when I do something different, like leave Denver's beltway for a road trip into the mountains that I've waited longer than I should have to venture out.
In the past, I've prided myself on being different -- spontaneous for sure. If you call me and ask me to go hang-gliding, I'd probably say no, but if you want to hike a new trail, leave the state for an adventure somewhere new, or check out something I'd never seen before like a rodeo, I'd say yes.
I know I'm not as boring as this weekend so far would imply, but it sure felt like it.
Sorry to not have a good "walk-off" tonight. Apparently I'm too lazy for that this weekend as well...
I partied until 3 a.m. last night, had the foresight to take a couple of aspirin and drink some water to avoid the Pulsing Hangover, and only slept about 6 hours.
Today, I wish I could say I achieved much. But, alas, 3 loads of laundry, some breakfast, watching football and a 5-hour nap from 4 p.m. to about 9 tonight did nothing but throw off my sleep cycle. I started to clean out a closet of clothes I don't wear, but didn't finish the job. I did clean out some computer files of unwanted photos, but that's hardly an accomplishment, considering this computer is all of 6 months old.
I didn't work on the quilt, didn't walk the dog, and ate a very bad lunch of a rather gigantic cheeseburger and tater tots, in honor of my good friend, Napoleon Dynamite.
I'm amazed at what a rut I can get into. I always notice it when I do something different, like leave Denver's beltway for a road trip into the mountains that I've waited longer than I should have to venture out.
In the past, I've prided myself on being different -- spontaneous for sure. If you call me and ask me to go hang-gliding, I'd probably say no, but if you want to hike a new trail, leave the state for an adventure somewhere new, or check out something I'd never seen before like a rodeo, I'd say yes.
I know I'm not as boring as this weekend so far would imply, but it sure felt like it.
Sorry to not have a good "walk-off" tonight. Apparently I'm too lazy for that this weekend as well...
"I Love It When A Plan Comes Together"
I don't remember the name of the guy in that old "A-Team" TV show from the 1980s, but I remember they'd get into all sorts of mission impossible situations, then as the happy ending finished, the Colonel would say "I love it when a plan comes together."
Despite my complaining, and my worry over spending a lot of money on a party, we had a GREAT time last night with our New Year's bash. Several people who were "maybe's" for showing up (depending on whether they could get a last-minute sitter) were able to make it. We ended up with about 20 people over, and had a lovely time. Everyone stayed until about 1:30 a.m., and one friend stayed the night to avoid driving home after drinking.
This morning we got up and had breakfast with her, then I've spent the day sitting around, going through closets, and checking the score on my husband's Fantasy Football SuperBowl game, where he's playing as the defending champion.
I do like being at the top of the calendar, and it's always fun to welcome in the new year with good friends, and I'm lucky to have many of those.
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