Today was just plain tragic.

Today was the hardest day of my life I think.

I'm sorry to have to post it here since this will be news to a few out there, but I just can't e-mail everybody right now.

Our little boy is much worse off than we thought last night after our first ultrasound. It's bad news, in that it looks like we will lose our son.

I am so sorry to have to blog this, but I have to.

At this point, we would have been happy to "just" have spina bifida to contend with as they first thought during yesterday's ultrasound, but it's much, much worse than that.

We talked with the genetics counselor this morning, then went to an ultrasound with the specialist and a tech there and the biggest, baddest ultrasound machine that took up part of a whole room.

We looked at the markers for spina bifida -- the slight misshapen skull, the excess fluid in the brain, and the spine that doesn't look like the straight little railroad track it's supposed to.

Then we moved on to the worst of it. There is a hernia at the point where the 2-cord umbilical goes into our baby. The fact that there is only 2 threads instead of 3 to the cord itself is an indicator of chromosomal problems, but a hernia at that point is the bellweather.

Then, there was the fact that both his feet are clubbed, and one of his arms is not developing with a normal hand.

And finally, the worst news -- his little heart, while beating away -- is abnormal in its symmetry and there's a valve that looks like it has not developed.

We gave in to an amniocentesis, which I had resisted before due to fears of it triggering a miscarriage.

In the end, it looks like our baby boy has two problems, which intertwine but aren't necessarily related. One is the spina bifida, and the other more serious problem, a chromosomal one. They are looking at the amniotic fluid to determine if it's the worst of our fears -- Trisomy 13 or 18, both of which are incompatible with life.

The statistics I got were that with Trisomy 13 or 18, the baby has a 90% chance of not making it to term, and of the 10% who survive to birth, another 90% die in the first year due to heart problems.

We have to wait til Wednesday to hear what the diagnosis is on the chromosomal testing. In the end, we may be forced into the worst possible decision parents have to make: to end a pregnancy before it ends on its own.

The heartbreak in our lives just continues. But like everything else so far, Brian and I are resolved to get through this too.

Thanks for your thoughts & prayers.

I still love this picture. I will treasure it always.