The Day After

After we got home last night from the hospital, everyone collapsed to sleep around 6 p.m., and they were all up again by 10. I slept a little longer with the help of a Tylenol 3 until Midnight.

I woke up at 12 to find my Mom, sister and husband watching a movie in the living room. We all stayed up together a few more hours, then went to bed again with the hopes of getting back on a regular sleep schedule again.

I realized that my husband and sister had gone with the least sleep as they stood by my bedside throughout both nights, with very little sleep. My mom and my friend Shiela from church were in another room during the birth and my Mom needed a little more rest than us younger whipper snappers.

Amazingly, I slept more than anybody, perhaps because of the drugs they were giving me. Once I got the epidural, I slept a lot since I was almost pain-free.

I left a little note with Jacob when we left the hospital. It just said "This is Jacob Daniel M. Please make sure his blanket stays with him wherever he goes."
Then I wrote at the bottom another note that said "Jacob, my darling boy. I love you more than words can say, and we will never ever forget you. See you in heaven, our beautiful son. We love you so very much, Mommy & Daddy."

Today has been so hard. This morning the funeral home we sent Jacob to called and needed us to sign a form consenting to his cremation. I took a blanket to make sure he still had one with him. I didn't ask to see him, but she did say his blanket was with him from the hospital.

After we came home from the funeral home today, we came home to more flowers from my aunt, and offers of more food from friends. The fridge is stuffed.

We've sat around drinking coffee, talking and remembering. We've cried a lot today. I decided to start writing about Jacob's birth story, as I try so hard to remember everything, from the feeling of the weight of his little body wrapped in a blanket and held in my hands. How I stared at him for hours, fascinated by his face and his little body. I told him over and over again how much I loved him. How he would never be forgotten. We all did.

So today, I start writing about Jacob's short life on this earth. I hope it makes it easier to deal with the grief. Some of it will go on the blog, I suspect most will not. If it helps people understand what we've been through and how to respond when others go through it, then I hope that helps too.

For now, we don't need anything so much as we just need hugs and people to cry with us.

And for people to always remember our little boy and hold the miracle of his life in their hearts too.