I know there are several people looking here to see what's going to happen next, but there isn't a lot more to say.
As amnio results start trickling in, the results are just as bad or worse than the last news. Our Jacob is a very broken little guy, who down to his genetic make-up can't survive in this world. As the genetics counselor said yesterday when I told her how Brian and I were wrestling with the issue of whether to say goodbye early, she said "It's hard, I know, just because there is so much wrong."
I know he's not growing quickly because I'm not either. Clearly, our little guy isn't thriving even in the warm place he is now. There's a part of me that wonders if he's even still with me, as I don't feel any kicks, and I don't "feel" pregnant. Or maybe it's just a defense mechanism. Who knows.
My Mom and sister are coming soon to help us through our next steps. This is the time to have family close, and fortunately they can come so Brian and I are not alone through this.
I probably won't post much here for a while. Just know that the things that I hang onto are things like the dream I had last night where I asked Jacob (who was perfect, whole, grown-up and able to speak to me) why God would let us go through losing him, and he said to me "You learned how to love like a real Mommy. Isn't that enough?"
And I said "Yes, my beautiful boy. Yes it is."
It is amazing what the mind can do to try and work things out in your heart, isn't it?
Sloganizer
2 comments:
Your dream is a gift. Thank you for sharing it.
In 1987, my daughter, Valerie, was born with Hypo-Plastic Left Heart Syndrome. There was no early detection. We found out the day after she was born. We had no choices to make. Just her. She was and is still the most precious thing I have ever set my eyes upon. We were blessed with 2 weeks. Painful, but a blessing. I don't have any reasons why this happens but I have learned so much about God and myself since then. I think your dream has some of the answers though.
I don't know you or your family. I just stummbled upon your blog today, but you will be in my prayers. Everyday when I remember my daughter, I will remember you and your son Jacob too.
That is amazing... *if* you happen to get a little something in the mail from me... that is exactly the sentiment that I was thinking of when I selected the gift. While driving in my car today, I was wondering if I somehow managed to send you an entirely inappropriate gift. I certainly can't say thoughtless... because there certainly was a lot of thought that went in to it... but I can't garentee a home run.
However, not only did you answer some of your own questions in your dream, but you beautifully explained the message I was hoping to convey with your gift.
I love you Jules - you're such a wonderful person.
I hope that this is OK to share with you... Morgan just asked me how you and Jacob were doing, and I told her (in a scaled down, 9 yr old version) what was happening. She said. "That sucks. Sorry mom." The "Sorry mom" was because Morgan *never* swears (in front of me anyway). I just said "That's OK sweetie, it really does suck." Then, she was your siggy pic and said " is that Julie's baby?" I said "yes" She said "He is SO cute!"
So anyway, out of the mouths of babes - this sucks and your Jacob is cute as can be.
And so very loved.
(((hugs))) Julie.
Love,
Jenny
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