Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Can't Let The Day Go By

Thanks to everyone who let me know we were in their thoughts and prayers today. It may seem like a long time ago to most, but for those of us who lost a baby boy, it can feel like yesterday sometimes. I know it's late. I know it's probably past the point of people thinking about it. But we will never forget.

Today was three years since we had Jacob and lost him...I don't think of today as his birthday because a birthday implies that life followed that, and it didn't.

Our boy was stillborn on July 7, 2006. No life followed, and no, I don't think about what he would be like if he had lived. Not for any reason except that his Trisomy 18 diagnosis meant that he just couldn't survive, so thinking about him as a healthy boy would have meant he was someone else -- if that makes sense.

The past couple of days were especially hard. Mostly as I anticipated the day alone because Brian and my Mom are both traveling this week, and because they were there with us, I wanted them near me today, and it wasn't to be.

But I had my Psychology class this morning (which is at least a diversion considering the rather CRAZY yet entertaining antics of my professor), and this afternoon I took Nora to the Kid's Club and we played in the sprinkler outside after that.

As I talked with Brian on the phone tonight, I started to cry when he asked how it went today and how I was doing, and for the first time ever, Nora came over and gave me a hug in direct response to how I was feeling. It is amazing to see empathy come from YOUR child when it's directed at you. AMAZING.

Of course I also realized I probably shouldn't cry in front of her again. Then I realized that maybe I should just so she doesn't grow up thinking I'm not human or something...Ah, the rotating mind of a parent...

She didn't last long tonight, went to bed early and all that. But we spent the day together and tried to have fun, and in the back of my mind I imagine Jacob watching over his little sister as she climbed every ladder, threw herself down every slide, and eventually played outside and wallowed in the joy of summer and water from the sprinkler.

It's late...I'm tired. But thanks again to all of you as you've supported us through it all.

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