Lately I haven't been sleeping well.
Last night, for example, I went to bed around 11:30 -- late for me -- and figured I'd sleep well through the night. Well, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and tossed and turned for almost 2 hours before being able to sleep again.
I know why...
I've had a lot on my mind lately. The anniversary of my last loss is coming up on Friday, my husband is probably going to lose his job by the end of the month if things keep going the way they are at his work, and the money woes that could come from that alone are enough to keep me awake at night.
I'm also bored. Bored is not good for me. I'm a woman of action -- any time you want something done, I'm your go-to person. I'm also a self-described control freak, so I like to do things in part because it's me doing it. Not having control over things like someone else's job status or the uncertainties of family planning is not easy for me, because there is nothing I can really do except wait on both fronts.
I have a quilt I should be working on right now, but I don't feel like it. This is almost more disturbing than the sleep problem. But then I realize that that, at least, is normal and something I've been through before, but I usually enjoy the creative outlet of sewing, and right now I just don't have it in me to do more than a little every few days. I've made about 6 or 7 quilts this year alone, and I know that sometimes I just need to take a break and sew when I'm ready.
The other stuff is out of my control, and I am not patient about waiting for things to happen "to" me.
I just find myself asking a lot of questions right now -- like "what the heck is next in terms of having a family?" and the deeper existential stuff like "Is this all there is to life?", or better yet and more to the point "What IS the DAMN PLAN?". Not to mention "Is there a God really -- and does He/She/It/They give a crap about me?" Because there are days when I just feel a complete disconnect there, and that bothers me too. Sometimes it just seems like it should be more complex and therefore more interesting than my day-to-day existence would imply.
I keep waiting for the lightbulb in my head to create some enlightenment so I can say "AHA!" and just have it figured out. Then I read some stupid quote like "It's not in the knowing, it's in the questions..." or something like that. Well, I do beg to differ. Either that or I'm a genius because I'm sure as heck asking a lot of questions.
Sometimes I remind myself of Lisa from The Simpsons, and an episode where she sits on a hilltop contemplating the big stuff in life, like the Zen riddle: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and Bart just barges in and says "Oh, that's easy," and proceeds to slap his fingers against the palm of his same hand, to make that gentle noise that comes from it. She's horrified, because of course it's not a deep or real answer, but it's real to Bart.
I feel like Lisa, but wish somedays I could just be Bart.
I had some fun googling (actually, I used YAHOO), the One Hand Clapping quote, and this was my favorite site on the subject: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_049