I know there are several people looking here to see what's going to happen next, but there isn't a lot more to say.
As amnio results start trickling in, the results are just as bad or worse than the last news. Our Jacob is a very broken little guy, who down to his genetic make-up can't survive in this world. As the genetics counselor said yesterday when I told her how Brian and I were wrestling with the issue of whether to say goodbye early, she said "It's hard, I know, just because there is so much wrong."
I know he's not growing quickly because I'm not either. Clearly, our little guy isn't thriving even in the warm place he is now. There's a part of me that wonders if he's even still with me, as I don't feel any kicks, and I don't "feel" pregnant. Or maybe it's just a defense mechanism. Who knows.
My Mom and sister are coming soon to help us through our next steps. This is the time to have family close, and fortunately they can come so Brian and I are not alone through this.
I probably won't post much here for a while. Just know that the things that I hang onto are things like the dream I had last night where I asked Jacob (who was perfect, whole, grown-up and able to speak to me) why God would let us go through losing him, and he said to me "You learned how to love like a real Mommy. Isn't that enough?"
And I said "Yes, my beautiful boy. Yes it is."
It is amazing what the mind can do to try and work things out in your heart, isn't it?