Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Troublesome

I have a problem I'll call troublesome. That's the most polite way I can say it.

Nothing in my life now is normal. I have been forever changed by the loss of my son Jacob.

I am very troubled by the fact that so many people expect "normalcy" out of me right now.

I'm so far from feeling normal.

Grief over the loss of a child is the worst I've experienced. I can't say it's the worst thing because I don't want to tempt fate and have something even worse happen, but it's hard to imagine what could be worse. I'm forever changed by it, and feel like I will NEVER be the same. I didn't lose a pet. I didn't lose a grandma or a distant cousin. I lost my son, and his name is Jacob.

Yet the world spins through space, people go back to their daily lives, and they're supposed to. Because most are lucky enough that they're not walking a mile or even a foot in my shoes.

But a little understanding when I "don't do normal" would be nice.

How, exactly, does one ask for that?

I feel it shouldn't even have to be said. But then if you've never lost something so near and dear to you as a child, how can you possibly understand?

At a time when I perhaps should be cutting some people some slack because they haven't been there, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like I should have to explain myself. My recent loss should speak volumes.

Grief is always there. Sometimes it's so consuming I feel like I've hit the bottom of the pool and am still disoriented enough that I don't know which end is up.

Today is the day that I would be entering my 9th month. Two weeks from now I'd be expecting my son "any day now." One month from today is his due date. Thanksgiving is coming, and the due date of my first baby comes with it. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year should be filled with me being exhausted with a newborn. But none of that will happen. The anticipation of that alone causes me grief, much less having to get through it all.

So my life will be in the coming weeks. Every happy-happy-joy-joy over the holidays will be met by the fact that my son was lost this summer, and I should be experiencing it completely differently than I will, but it is not to be. The promise of parenthood was stolen from me yet again, and so I feel separated by the normal joys of today, the holidays to come, and far beyond.

So if you know someone who's gone through anything close to what I am currently going through -- heck -- even if you just find someone behaving in a way that you just don't like for reasons you don't understand -- cut them some slack if they don't act how you expect, show up for what you want them to, or say what you want to hear.

It's not about you.

'nough said.

4 comments:

Tammy said...

((((((Jules)))))) many hugs from here... you be who you need to be, for however long you need to do it. Much love from here...

Christa said...

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) Very well-said. After losing someone so precious life will never be the "normal" you knew before. I wish people could understand that. On the other hand, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone either. I guess there's no real answer. You take care of you. Enjoy the season, or mourn for what should have been, or whatever you need to do. You may do some of both. I don't know. Just know that we care. And we love you. We'll be here for whatever you need us for.

Jayne said...

I don't expect you to be "normal" and I'm sorry that people in your life expect it.

Thank you for sharing Jacob with us. Every time you write about him your love for him shines through and it's so beautiful, just as the pictures you posted of him are.

Katherine said...

Jules,
I love you sweetie. You don't have to be "normal" around me. I accept you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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