Monday, July 18, 2005

Time, Boy Do I have a Lot of THAT!

I've been unemployed since February, when I was laid off from my job. My job moved to Boise, Idaho, and for obvious reasons to everyone except the actual residents of Boise, I did not go with it.

In the past 5 months, I've had the time to do a real job search. I recently applied for and interviewed with The Denver Post for a position I really want. I'm waiting to hear about that, hopefully this week.

As the weeks tick by, I've found myself doing a few projects here and there. I finished a queen-size quilt and three baby quilts. I've cleaned out a few places that needed doing, and I've done plenty of research on our trip to Paris, France for September.

But in between all those hours of work and play, I find myself stumped about a few things.

One -- and probably Number One -- is about our family and how to build it. I've suffered three miscarriages in three years, and we both feel the need to take a break from trying to make a family, either biological or adopted. My last miscarriage was in January, and while that feels very immediate in some respects, it feels like it was eons ago. I have a friend who I recently learned is pregnant. It's still hard to hear that other people have such an easy time of getting and staying pregnant. Like my husband Brian said the other day as he told me the news -- it's hard to realize what different routes some other people's lives take.

Of course we hope her pregnancy is perfect and that everything turns out fine. But whenever we hear about people having babies it just reminds us of what we've gone through and that for all intents and purposes, we just can't. The innocence of thinking we'd just make a family when we wanted to is gone forever.

I guess I'm at a loss about how to really grieve that. I feel like it's just a fact of my life in many respects. I feel like while it is sad, there's nothing I can really do about it, so then what?

There are days I cry a tear or two, but it's not the empty hole it once was in my heart. I feel my heart feel heavy with the burden sometimes, but it's not a constant feeling, more situational as I hear of other people moving on and having their families.

I keep thinking there must be something I can do to work through this more. Maybe this time I have on my hands is just what I need -- time to think about it a little, but also to heal as I move on with my life and put some distance between me and my losses. Is that all there is to it? Perhaps yes.

Number 2 -- The other things I think about are "what do I want to be in life?" As I got laid off, I knew I'd have the time and the unemployment check to at least make do while I looked for work. But I still wonder if I'll ever find a job that I really love. The job I applied for at The Post is the closest thing I can think of to a perfect job for me -- one of researching and finding information for reporters. When I was a reporter, my favorite part of the job was doing the research end of things. On one hand, I think I should go back to being a reporter, but I didn't like the stress of the conflicts that arise from being a reporter. Knocking on people's doors for comment when they just want to be left alone, that sort of thing.

I find myself wanting to do a more supportive job for the news business. I find that I want a job where I can go home at night and not have to still be stressed from a day's work. I find peace at being at home, and don't feel like I need to have a high-powered career. That's so different from where I was several years ago. What changed?

I guess as I get older, I realize that my family -- husband, brothers, sister, Mom -- are the most important people in my life. I want to spend time with them and know them well, as they are the best friends in my life and by far my greatest supporters. Doing a job that would require long hours and an inability to nurture those relationships is just not something I want to do.

Why do I feel weird about that. I don't know. I guess there's a part of me that thinks I'm supposed to be more of my aggressive self. My mind and heart are at war over this sometimes.

That's all for now.

1 comment:

Katherine said...

I'm thinking about you Jules. I know what you're going through. I was laid off at the end of February and just recently started working at a new job: part-time, no stress. The funny thing is that I didn't go looking for it and it's not in any way related to my previous work. However, it's perfect for me for now. I'm saying all this to tell you that I hope you find your perfect-for-you job soon!

On another note, we all grieve in different ways. Some times, I shed a tear over my infertility and losses. Sometimes, I sob. I still have a hard time dealing with hearing the news of other people's pregnancies...a lot of these people weren't even trying or had just started. They take it for granted. Just like I took it for granted with my first two pregnancies. I will NEVER take it for granted again. Although, I don't think it'll ever be happening to me again either.

(((HUGS))) Jules. You know we're all here for you.

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