Wednesday, November 08, 2006

How are we doing?

How are we doing?

That question gets asked a lot lately.

Jacob's due date is Saturday. Tuesday was the 4-month mark since his birth and loss, and it's hard to say just how we're doing.

We're hanging in there. I took tomorrow and Friday off from work, and I feel another storm of grief brewing, as I don't cry every day over Jacob's loss, but some days just feel like a rough patch is ahead....Brian said yesterday he started going through Jacob's box looking for some medical paperwork and ended up crying for a solid hour. That just breaks my heart, of course...I know the same awaits me.

With these few days off, I'm going to work on printing some pictures and putting together a scrap book for Jacob's life. I will finish my nephew's quilt in between, but the focus is on Jacob this weekend. I dread it on some level, just knowing I'll be crying a lot, but also look forward to getting a proper book together with all the sympathy cards, pictures, and printing my son's birth story so there is a record of him to look through and remember.

This past week, it's been tough to see people's due dates who were close to mine approaching. It puts a lump in my throat to think of it, and that I don't get to share that same joy. At the same time, I feel a parting of the clouds -- like I'm literally seeing some daylight after all this grief. I know I'll get through's just sometimes a matter of deciding to trudge on, and times like that I just miss my son so much, it hurts.

Other days I feel light enough that it's not trudging anymore, but that things will truly be ok someday. Joy will return.

Thanks to everyone for your support. I don't know what I'd do without you.


Anonymous said...

Dear Jules - this isn't so much a comment on your blog as just a chance to say that you, Brian & Jacob Daniel are in my thoughts a lot, and especially so this weekend. You will be grieving, but, as you so rightly say "Joy will return". With hugs from London - Sarah

Katherine said...

Continuing to keep you and Brian in my prayers. And Jacob Daniel lives on in the memories of us all. I loved his video. How beautiful!


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